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Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2

Have Cantabile Children's Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3

Using candlewick and hand-gilded, miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4

Repaint Sunnyhills United Methodist Church's ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5

Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7

Debug Windows '95.

December 9

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11

Lay Faberge egg.

December 12

Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13

Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15

Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at Great Mall.

December 17

Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21

Drain city pool; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22

Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24

Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 27

Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 29

Build snowman from tumble weed in exact likeness of God.

December 31

New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.