Milpitas Mom's Favorite Jokes

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Life As An American

  • "A citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." - Bill Vaughan
  • We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
  • We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
  • We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
  • We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
  • We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
  • We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
  • We will work hard on a farm so we can move into Milpitas where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
  • We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power" up with our "yearning power."
  • We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
  • In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the Great Mall or on the Bay, we talk about business.
  • We're supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
  • We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
  • We're in the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.