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Warranty Card on Purchased Government Official[tm]

Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm].

With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services.

Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, but shall be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ City Elected Official (please specify)_____________
__ City Appointed Official (please specify)_______________

2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]?

Please check all that apply.

__ Election Lawn Sign
__ TV ad
__ Magazine/newspaper ad
__ Shared jail cell with
__ Former law partner of
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with
__ City crony of
__ Procured for
__ Related to
__ Recommended by lobbyist
__ Recommended by organized crime figure
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (On Internet)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (Elsewhere)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple
__ Solicited bribe from me
__ Attempted to seduce me

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]?

Please check all that apply.

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts
__ Have my prejudices turned into law
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions
__ Obtain trade concessions
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels
__ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress
__ Forestall military action against self/allies
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest
__ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse
__ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs

4. What factors influenced your purchase?

Please check all that apply.

__ Performance of currently owned model
__ Reputation
__ Price
__ Appearance
__ Party affiliation
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm]
__ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm]
__ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government
__ Blackmail
__ Celebrity endorsement

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official[tm]? ______

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model
__ Defect in current model:
__ Dead
__ Senile
__ Indicted
__ Convicted
__ Resigned in disgrace
__ Switched parties / beliefs
__ Out-bribed by competing interest

Thank you for your valuable time.

Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy.