Milpitas Mom's Favorite Jokes
He was known for his misuse of the English language. Here are some of my favorite Goldwynisms:
"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
"I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
"Gentlemen, include me out."
"A hospital is no place to be sick."
"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."
"I read part of it all the way through."
"If I look confused it's because I'm thinking."
"That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg."
"Never make forecasts, especially about the future."
And perhaps the best of them all:
"I don't want yes men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs."
"In two words, impossible."
"Include me out"
"You fail to overlook the crucial point."
"For your information, just answer me one question!'
"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."
"Its absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."
"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."
"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."
"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."
"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."
"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."
"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it."
When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."
When told he couldn't film Radclyffe Hall's "The Well of Loneliness" because it dealed with lesbians, he replies, "All right, where they got lesbians, we'll use Austrians."
"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe."