All Jokes - Alphabetically
On the Job
Daily Affirmations to Avoid
- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with
my Inner Sociopath.
- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.
- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones
that are someone else's fault.
- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.
Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control
- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have
no personality at all.
- Joan of Arc heard voices too.
- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.
- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper
- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me,
they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.
But not nearly as gratifying.
- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second,
to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy
me nice things.
- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry
- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid,
and disgusting parts.
- I am at one with my duality.
- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into
- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself
with imaginary fears.
- I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of
state and local laws.
- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there
are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the
- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day
watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...
I'll find someone.
- It's not whether you win or lose, but where you place the
- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend
it worrying about the future?
- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the
conspiracy is working.
- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as
- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next
step - blaming my parents.
- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it
look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing
to learn from them.