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Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes

1. What do reindeer say before they tell a joke? This will sleigh you.
2. What is Santa's primary language? North Polish.
3. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
4. James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus. It is titled The Deer Sleigher.
5. Where does Santa go swimming? The North Pool.
6. How do Santa and Mrs. Claus get around? On an icicle built for two.
7. What does Santa like best about gardening? He loves to Ho, Ho, Hoe!
8. Which elf sings "Love me tender?" Santa's little Elvis!
9. Scrooge loves all the reindeer equally, because every buck is dear to him.
10. Santa's sleigh jingles too much. He won't win the No Bell Prize!
11. Does Santa have any money? No. That is why they call him Saint Nickeless.
12. Why does Santa like to go down chimneys? Because it soots him!
13. But isn't he afraid he'll get stuck? Yes, he gets Santa Claus-trophobic.
14. Won't all that soot make him sick? No. He's had his flue shot.
15. But what if there's a fire in the fireplace? Santa then becomes Krisp Kringle!
16. Sometimes it gets so cold, Santa gets icicles in his beard. Real chin-chillers, those!
17. What do you get when you cross a sheep with a cicada? Baa Humbug!
18. A webmaster's favorite hymn? Oh, .com all ye faithful!
19. Ah! Christmas! The one day of the year we can all say our children are truly gifted!
20. What do you say to a bad puppy at Christmas? Felix Naughty Dog!
21. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
22. What does Santa like to eat? A jolly roll
23. Christmas is the time of year when women get Santamental.
24. What playwright was intimidated by Christmas? Noel Coward
25. Christmas is the time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.
26. What do you get if you cross a Yule Log with a duck? A Fire Quacker
27. Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.
28. How do Mexican sheep say Merry Christmas? "Fleece Navidad."
29. Who is Round John Virgin? One of the twelve opossums.
30. Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are: "Peace on Earth", "Goodwill to Men" and "Batteries not included."
31. Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs? Santa Paws
32. If Santa rode a motorcycle, what kind would it be? A Holly Davidson.
33. Christmess: Five minutes after the gifts are opened.
34. What is special about the Christmas alphabet? There's NO EL.
35. What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month? The letter "D".
36. What did Adam told his girlfriend on December 24th ? "It's Christmas! Eve."
37. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
38. How is a cat on the beach like Christmas? He's got Sandy Paws.
39. What did the guest sing at Eskimo's Christmas party? ...Freeze a jolly good fellow.
40. What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can't hear you!
41. What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have? Baby reindeer.
42. What do you call a chicken at the North Pole? Lost.
43. Whose Christmas parties are full of screams? Dracula's.
44. Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
45. How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter? Mice skates.
46. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missile-Toe.
47. Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money? In a snow bank.
48. What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
49. What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Kringle.
50. Did you know that all the angels in Jesus' heavenly choir had the same name? Sure, haven't you ever heard the song, "Hark, the Harold Angels Sing"?
51. What is Santa's favorite breakfast cereal? Frosted Flakes.
52. What is Frosty's favorite breakfast cereal? Snow Flakes.
53. Why are Christmas trees like people who can't knit? They both drop their needles.
54. How does Santa Claus take pictures? With a North Pole-aroid camera.
55. Where is the best place to put your Christmas tree? After your Christmas one and your Christmas two.
56. What would a Japanese tourist in Alaska wear? An Eskimono.
57. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.
58. What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes? A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)
59. What is red and white and goes up and down and up and down? Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.
60. Why is Santa a good race car driver? Because he's always in the pole position.
61. Who carries all of Santa's books? His books elf. (book shelf)
62. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claus-trophobic.
63. What's red and green and guides Santa's sleigh? Rudolph the red-nosed pickle.
64. What do elves learn in homeschool? The elf-abet.
65. What do you call a polar bear that steals icebergs from other polar bears? An ice-burglar.
66. How do you know if there is a reindeer in your refrigerator? The hoof prints in the butter!
67. Why does Santa Claus have three gardens? So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.
68. How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney? He uses a ladder in the stocking!
69. What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff? He gets snowflakes.
70. What kind of food do you get when you cross a blizzard with a polar bear? A brrr-grrr! (burger)
71. What's red and white and red and white and red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
72. What did the sheep say to the shepherd? Seasons Bleatings!
73. Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? It's true! Comet cleans sinks!
74. Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Holly-wood.
75. What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick? A chill pill.
76. What does Santa Claus use when he goes skiing? A North Pole.
77. What do you call a cow at the North Pole? An Eski-moo.
78. If I'm standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what's on my right hand? Fingers!
79. Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean? Because snow man is an island.
80. I know, I know. I know that people say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift... but couldn't people think a little bigger?
81. Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist!
82. Santa Claus is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
83. My friend, Rick, is a paramedic here in Miami. A few years ago he answered a call about a man who had a head injury he got when some teenagers were throwing eggs at cars. It seems that the egg had come through the open window of the man's car as he was driving at about 45 mph. He had a large swelling on his forehead. In the official report, Rick described the incident as an "egg-noggin."
84. Billy: How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive? Tilly: Olive? Billy: Yeah, you know... Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...
85. The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts, With purchases little and large; She doesn't believe in Santa Claus... But she believes in Master Charge!
86. A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!" And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around."