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Tag: <span>Amazing Facts Jokes</span>

Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorites

My favorite jokes found online over the years. Some jokes given a Milpitas twist.

Jokes By Topic

Alphabetical List

Advice For Married Women: Then and Now
Just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time.

The Addition Game – Will Muppet Win Trip to Milpitas?
Video: If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.
Education Jokes, Milpitas Jokes

AI Tax Preparer Program
Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one.
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Apartment Hunting With A Large Family 
Father figures out how to get apartment even though he has a large family.

Are we there yet?
Dr. Fauci driving SUV with lots of kids yelling, “Are we there yet?” as approaching “Normal” lane marker.
.

Are You Acting Too Much Like a Teacher?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

The Art Sold, but …
An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

Bad Mistakes On Resumes
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

Being A Parent
Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.

Bernie @ Milpitas City Hall
Put Bernie at your place!
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Beware of Bears
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and Northern Sierra areas.

Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.

Breaking News Joke
Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms! The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.

Buying Swimwear
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume.
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Buzzword Bingo
My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.

Camping With Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the Sunol Regional Wilderness. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Catholic Litany In A Pinch
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

Christmas Carol Quiz
These are the names of well-known Christmas caroles, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.
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Christmas Riddles 
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
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Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes 
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.
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Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center
Self-Improvement, Business/Career, Home Ec, Health & Fitness, Crafts

Computer Problem Report Form
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.

Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
*Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around. *Venice* this going to get over? You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*? This *Spain* is real.

Covid Advice for Geeks
COVID advice from Silicon Valley County Health Department, which has been sending out advice in many languages. Seems appropriate they also send it out in code!

Covid-19 BINGO
Usual BINGO rules, with this exception: If any game player sees someone sneeze or cough without a mask and into the open air, the game is over, and the player with most boxes covered wins that round.

Covid-19 is making me crack up!
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

Cultural Differences Explained
This is to help my Asian American and Chicano friends better understand the differences among Anglo cultural groups.

Daily Affirmations to Avoid
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. Also, Affirmations for COVID-19 Anxiety.

Dating in the Time of Coronavirus
We went speed dating on Zoom and found love. You’ve seen the events announcements here for online speed dating, right? So here’s how it works for these singles.
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The Day the NASDAQ Died
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile…

Densa IQ Test
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above?

Determining the Height of a Tall Building
Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit 
“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!”

Educator At An Accident
An educator uses her first aid training upon coming upon a bad car accident.

Educator Goes to Milpitas
A beautiful, blonde educator gets on an airplane and sits down in first class.

An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer.
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Equal Employment Opportunity
Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual.

Error Dialog Haiku
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? Solon Magazine

Everyday Maxims
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies 
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

Fire at the Semiconductor Plant 
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight.
,

Fishermen Catch A Mermaid
Three Homeschool Dads go fishing, catch a mermaid and demand their IQ’s be increased.

Forgetful Poem
My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but, To me, that is no joke.

Fruit Cake Recipe
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere. Check the whiskey again.
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Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids
Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

God is Missing. We’re in Trouble! 
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.
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Greatest Baseball Player in the World
A homeschooling boy was overheard talking to himself, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat.

Hacker Barbie®
MATTEL announces the latest in their new line of Barbie® products.

Halloween Riddles
About a 100 Halloween Riddles to tickle your Funny Bone.
, .

High Tech Church Built in Milpitas
“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

Highs and Lows of Wearing Face Masks
Due to the order to wear face masks, some humorous observations have been made.

Hills Meet Their Fate In Milpitas
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Silicon Valley, California; as it happens, in the Milpitas hills.

The History of Math Word Problems
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President
The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.

Homework Policy
Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.
,

Housework Training Courses Now Available For Men
Introduction to Common Household Objects I:
The Mop.
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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

How Many Facebook Users Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in the Go Milpitas Facebook Group?
Online Life Jokes

How many HR Staff Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
One actual HR staff member to change the light bulb.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

How Milpitans Do It
Finding Good Deals in Milpitas: Coke 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

How to Pronounce This Place
MIL-pit-as; Mil-pit-ASS; Mil-PEET-us?

How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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HTML Song
You’ve got to code it in H T M L. (To the tune of “YMCA.”)

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it.
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I Will Survive, Coronavirus version for teachers going online by Michael Bruening
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to zoom, I know I’ll be alive
My students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn and I’ll survive…

In Memory of Those Who Died in the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
,

In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear
If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Installing Love
Steps to becoming a loving person described in terms of installing a computer program on a PC.

An Interview with Santa’s Lawyer
Please state your name and occupation. My name is Marta Pittman, and I’m a partner at the Law Office of Garry Barbadillo.

Is everyone ok?
Everyone check on your friends. We have a rider down.
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Kids Talk About God & Their Mother 
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We’re related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

Kurt Vonnegut’s Commencement Address At MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97: Wear sunscreen.

The Last Page of the Internet
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.

Legoland Discovery Center at Great Mall Reopening
Covid-19 Updates regarding the Lego Discovery Center at the Great Mall in Milpitas.

Letter From A Scout
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.

Letter From Santa
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced.
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Licking Is Totally the Same as Hand-washing, Right?
Me: Did you wash your hands? 4-year-old: No. Me: Why are your hands wet?
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Litter Problem Solved
A few years ago, the City of Milpitas had a litter problem.

Look, I don’t come into your home office and tell you to get out of the tub!
Visual cartoon.
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Man Prays to Swap Life With His Wife
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed.
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Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
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Maxims of Old Age
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it. I run like the winded.
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Maxims to Share
Maxims like: When you ask me what I’m doing today, and I say “Nothing,” it does not mean I’m free. It means I’m doing nothing.
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Milk With A Little Coffee In It
Customer: I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.
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Milpitan Vacations In Rome
A Milpitan walked in to The Park Victoria Barber Shop for his regular haircut.

Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
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Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport
A Milpitas high school teacher was arrested today at Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport as he attempted to board a flight…
.

Milpitas Role in Telecom History
Silva has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Milpitas had already gone wireless.
Computing Jokes

Mom Song Mom’s Song and Teen’s Answer
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.

The Mommy Test
How do mommys know all those things?

Mother’s Dictionary
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, as quiet as a mouse, who does the mischief that is done in everybody’s house!

Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

Naked Truth about Covid-19 and Sheltering in Place
So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .

Neil Diamond vs CDC on Hands, Touching Hands
Neil Diamond: Hands,
CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds.
Neil Diamond: touching hands,
CDC: No! Please don’t touch hands!
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Next “Survivor” Show
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.
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New Vocabulary Words
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum 
Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.
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Official Market Forecast
Sales and income figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off.

An Old Man Asks to Talk to President Trump
“I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President…”

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died
… so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one.

On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’

Other People
Have you ever thought any of these statement ever applied to “other people” who were not like you?
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Original Trojan Horse Warning
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit.
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The Origin Of The Internet
And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
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Painting the Porch
“How would you like to paint the porch?”
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A Pastor entered his donkey in a race
…and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
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Philosophy of Life
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
Philosophical Jokes

Pie Throwing Trend in Milpitas
“… java virtual machine …” – WHAM – call the dry cleaners.
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Planning the Company Holiday Party 
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.
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Pledge of Allegiance
A child’s version of the Pledge, and a link to a site about safety around fireworks.
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Proverbs: Kids’ Versions
Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.
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Put on your groaning face…. More puns.
More puns-A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
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Puttin’ on the Hitz
Have you seen the well to do? Up and down Calaveras Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare, With their noses in the air?

Quarantine Insights One-liners
Whose idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

A Recap of the First Three Weeks with Covid-19
AMERICA: Oh my god! Coronavirus! What should we do?
CALIFORNIA: Shut down your state.
AMERICA: Wait… what? Why?
CALIFORNIA: Because 40 million people live here and we did it early, and it’s working.
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Recipe For Doing the Family Wash 
Written in its original spelling for a bride a few generations ago.

Relative Importance in 2020 So Far
The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!

Retirement Through the Eyes of a Child
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following…
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The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

A Round Tuit
Are you always saying you’ll get around to it? Well, here’s a *round tuit* for you.

Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
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Samuel Goldwyn’s Silly Quotations
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Santa’s Prayer
The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.
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Santa’s Workshop Bought By Bill Gates – 2020 Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
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Science Explained By Children 
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
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Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.

Short History of Medicine
I have an earache: 2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Java
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

Silly Quotations: Samuel Goldwyn
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Siren Sounds
Shoe thief tries to exchange the uncomfortable shoes at Mervyns, and more incredible crimes.

Stop complaining! You need to keep it on.
2019 Stop complaining! You need to keep it on. It’s for your own good. 2020 Dog grins at master wearing face mask.
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Taking a Load of Penguins to the Zoo
Penguins get a lift to the zoo. (Links about penguins and places to see them.)

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter 
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

There Are No Fish Under The Ice!
A blonde woman notices the popularity of ice fishing in Milpitas, and decides to try it for herself.

This Sound Like City Council?
“When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, …”

Thoughts for the Day
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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The turkey shot out of the oven
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
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Top 21 Signs That You Work in Milpitas
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Milpitas Jokes, On the Job Jokes

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
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US Standard Railroad Gauge
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Value of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam.

Wacky Warnings & Instructions
On a package of bread-pudding mix: Product will be hot after heating.

Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters in Milpitas
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.
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Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy although my boss let me go Happily addicted to the Web.
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Were you a kid in the Fifties or so?
Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something’s shudder and say “Eeeew!” But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself.
Philosophical Jokes

What Does The Frog Say?
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
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When Riding a Dead Horse
When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
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Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: “Where do pets come from?”
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Where’s Waldo? Social Distancing Edition
When I saw the cartoon today, it made me think of how the things we took for granted as a child back then are no longer considered “SAFE.”
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William Shakespeare Gets His Covid Vaccine
William Shakespeare becomes the 2nd person to receive the Pfizer-BioNTech #COVID19 vaccine (outside of a trial) in Coventry, England; jokes start.
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You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
You make $120,000 a year, but can’t find a place to live.
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You Might Teach At Middle School If…
You can converse in middle schoolese. You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks. You have no life from August through June.
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Rules for Writing the Blues

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning…”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes… sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch–ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Milpitas.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Milpitas or any place in Canada. Hard times in Milpitas or Mountain View is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ’cause a alligator be chompin’ on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or the Great Mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. Highway
b. Elmwood Jail
c. An empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom’s
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy league institutions
d. Golf courses

12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can’t be satisfied

14. You don’t have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a pension fund

15. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

16. If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the Blues

17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee

18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

20. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

21. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

22. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Milpitas.

23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)

24. I don’t care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

Thanks to Steve Briante for the original joke.

Amazing Facts – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one.

Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.

Breaking News Joke
Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms! The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.

Camping With Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the Sunol Regional Wilderness. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
*Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around. *Venice* this going to get over? You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*? This *Spain* is real.

Densa IQ Test
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above?

Determining the Height of a Tall Building
Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

Everyday Maxims
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

Kids Talk About God & Their Mother
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We’re related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

New Vocabulary Words
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Other People
Have you ever thought any of these statement ever applied to “other people” who were not like you?

Put on your groaning face…. More puns.
More puns-A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Relative Importance in 2020 So Far
The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!

Rules for Writing the Blues
Blues can take place in New York City but not in Milpitas or any place in Canada. Hard times in Milpitas or Mountain View is probably just clinical depression.

Science Explained By Children
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.

Short History of Medicine
I have an earache: 2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Java
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

US Standard Railroad Gauge
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Value of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam.

Warnings & Instructions
On a package of bread-pudding mix: Product will be hot after heating.

Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Put on your groaning face…. More puns.

Amazing Facts

A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod‘s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!

More Puns

Milpitas Mom’s’s 25 Worse Puns
Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Densa IQ Test

Amazing Facts

You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above? Well this test is similar, it’s from DENSA and it’s a lot more fun.

Here’s the quiz with the answers.

Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes/No
Answer ___ Yes___

How many birthdays does the average man have?
Answer _1, Just one!_

Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
Answer _12, all of them!_

How many outs are there in an inning?
Answer_6, three per side!_

Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? Yes/No
Answer _No – because he is dead!_

Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
Answer _70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60!)_

If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
Answer _2, you took them, remember?_

A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half an hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
Answer _60. Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd._

A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
Answer _9 (If 8 out of 17 die, all but 9 die, eh?)_

How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
Answer _Zero … it wasn’t Moses … it was Noah_

A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10″ tall. What does he weigh?
Answer _Meat, a butcher weighs meat!_

How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
Answer _12. There are 12-2cent stamps in a dozen!_

A plane crashes on the Canadian – US border. In which country do you bury the survivors?
Answer _The survivors would probably rather wait until they die to be buried!_

What is the least amount of coins it takes to make 55 cents if one of the coins is a quarter?
Answer _Three coins. One is a quarter, the other is a quarter and also a nickel._

Stupidity Certificate
Get them all wrong? Here’s your Stupidity Certificate!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Other People

Amazing Facts

Have you ever thought any of these statement ever applied to “other people” who were not like you?

Join the crowd. These same stereotypes have been applied to “other people” for at least 400 years!

  • They are over-sexed
  • They are good lovers, better than you are anyway
  • They will seduce your spouse away from you
  • They will rape
  • They will pillage, steal from you, terrorize you
  • They will take your children either mentally or physically
  • They are greedy “gold diggers” and will force you into giving them your wealth
  • They are drunks and drug addicts
  • They have weird, superstitious beliefs
  • They are gullible, will believe anything you tell them
  • They are musical, but in a strange way
  • They are great dancers, have “rhythm”
  • They are super strong or very weak
  • They aren’t very smart, aren’t easy to educate
  • They are good at sports, but unsportsmanlike
  • They are unclean, disease ridden
  • They are fat, but jolly and humorous, or the opposite, thin, solemn and somber
  • They have bad teeth
  • They are lazy–or hard workers
  • They are fine for some jobs but not others
  • They are impoverished, poor, or overbearingly rich with ill-gotten gains
  • They eat far too much of specific foods
  • They wear odd clothing
  • They have strange hairdos
  • They wear overly bright colored clothing
  • They aren’t safe with weapons
  • They have mental or physical health issues
  • They are child-like, behave immaturely
  • They will damage your home
  • They have unusual relationships with animals
  • They should go away and leave us decent folks alone

OK. How many of these have you ever heard applied to:

  • Other gender not yours? Women of Men, Men of Women. Any of LBQTQ?
  • Teenagers, toddlers, or for that matter, the elderly
  • Anyone a different race than yourself
  • Anyone with a religion different from yours
  • Someone in the “other” political party
  • People with skin color different than yours
  • People from a different culture
  • People with a very different lifestyle than yours

Don’t you think it is time we stop stereotyping other people?

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Biggest Lies

Amazing Facts & Political Jokes

3 Biggest Software Lies:

  • The program’s fully tested and bugfree.
  • We’re working on the documentation.
  • Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:

  • As long as you remember to ‘SAVE’ your input, you’ll never lose any files.
  • We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
  • The new machines on order.

3 Biggest Large Company Lies:

  • We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
  • People are our greatest resource.
  • We say ‘let the marketplace decide’.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:

  • We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
  • The boss is just one of the guys.
  • Staying small is a conscious decision.

3 Biggest Marketing Lies:

  • Immediate delivery?…No problem.
  • We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
  • We’re going out to lunch to talk business.

3 Biggest Engineering Professor’s Lies:

  • Some day this course will come in handy.
  • These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
  • This is the way they do it in industry.

3 Biggest Executive Lies:

  • Money…it’s just a score card.
  • If it were up to me, there’d be no assigned parking spaces.
  • You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.

3 Biggest Undergraduate Student Starting Physics Lies:

  • There are plenty of jobs out there for Physics graduates.
  • You’ll make lots of money in your professional career.
  • The general public respect Physicists.

3 Biggest Student Teacher Lies:

  • The school will help and support you all they can.
  • This teaching course is interesting and stimulating.
  • Kids today are just the same as when you went to school.

3 Biggest Advertising Lies:

  • This product will taste as good as it looks.
  • You really need our product.
  • If you use our product you will have sex with the same kinds of people as you see in our ad.

3 Biggest Mail Order Lies:

  • Delivery of your product will occur within 30 days of ordering it.
  • If you’re not satisfied with our product we will guarantee a full refund.
  • We offer repair of your product free of charge with an accredited repairer in your home State.

3 Biggest Retail Industry Lies:

  • Our staff are courteous and considerate.
  • We try to help you with your problem.
  • You can exchange or get full refund on an item that you’re not satisfied with.

3 Biggest Politician Lies:

  • I’ll be factual and to the point.
  • I’ll give you a straightforward answer to your question.
  • The government doesn’t waste taxpayers money.

3 Biggest Parent Lies:

  • We’re doing this for your own interest.
  • You can have that (do that) later (when you’re older).
  • The family can’t afford it now.

3 Biggest Supermodels Lies:

  • Women normally look like that.
  • Women should look like that.
  • Fasting and dieting is good for your health.

3 Biggest Beer Ads Lies:

  • Drinking beer is for macho men only.
  • You’ll meet good lifelong friends drinking beer in a bar.
  • Women think drunken loudmouths are sexy.

3 Biggest Life Lies:

  • …and they lived happily ever after.
  • Dying is painless.
  • Things have gotten so bad that they couldn’t possibly get worse.

Truth-o-meterSeveral hundred Donald Trump Lies:

  • “The entire city (of Portland) is ablaze all the time.”
  • “Cuomo ended cash bail … and now the crime rate has gone through the roof.”
  • “In California, Democrats have intentionally implemented rolling blackouts.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

How Poor We Really Are

Money Jokes & Amazing Facts

One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were. They stayed one night and one day in the farm of a very humble farm house.

At the end of the trip and back home the father asked the son, “What did you think of the trip?”

The son replied, “Very nice, Dad.”

Father: “Did you notice how poor they were?”

Son: “Yes.”

Father: “What did you learn?”

Son: “I learned that we have one dog in the house and they have four.

We have a fountain in the garden and they have a stream that has no end.

We have imported lamps in the garden, while they have the stars.

Our garden goes to the end of the property; they have the entire horizon as their backyard. ”

At the end of the son’s reply the father was speechless and his son added, “Thank you Dad for showing me how poor we really are.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Breaking News Joke

Amazing Facts & Covid Jokes

BREAKING NEWS!

Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms!

Best course of action is to quarantine them away from men and children!

The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.

Send women immediately!

No contact for 14 days while they live in misery here:

Hairdressers, Hair Salons, Barber Shops-Best in Milpitas
These are the best hair salons to get your hair done in Milpitas. Some also offer other beauty services, such as nails. While many offer walk-in service, it is always best to make an appointment, which often can be done online at the parlor’s website.

or here:

Beer and Wine in Milpitas
Milpitas has a couple of boutique breweries and wineries. Most have made adjustments to Covid-19 by now offering deliveries right to your home or offering scheduled pickup.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke