Milpitas Mom's Favorite Jokes

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Advice For Married Women: Then and Now
Just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time.

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one.

Apartment Hunting With A Large Family
Father figures out how to get apartment even though he has a large family.

Are You Acting Too Much Like a Teacher?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

The Art Sold, but ...
An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

Bad Mistakes On Resumes
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

Basic Pregnancy Questions
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Being A Parent
Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.

Beware of Bears
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and Northern Sierra areas.

Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.

Buying Swimwear
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume.

Buzzword Bingo
My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.

Camping With Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the Sunol Regional Wilderness. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Cat Haikus
The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

Catholic Litany In A Pinch
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

Christmas Riddles
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?

Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes
Why are Christmas trees like people who can't knit? They both drop their needles.

Classes We'd Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center
Self-Improvement, Business/Career, Home Ec, Health & Fitness, Crafts

Computer Language For Non-Computing Homeschoolers
Log On -- Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Computer Problem Report Form
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.

Computer Proverbs
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

Construction Tongue Twister
Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.

Cultural Differences Explained
This is to help my Asian American and Chicano friends better understand the differences among Anglo cultural groups.

Daily Affirmations to Avoid
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

The Day the NASDAQ Died
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile...

Dear Santa, I've been a good Mom all year
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?

Densa IQ Test
You've heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ's of 140 and above?

Determining the Height of a Tall Building
Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

Disciplining Silicon Valley Kids
When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player.

Do you think it's the light?
Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!"

Educator At An Accident
An educator uses her first aid training upon coming upon a bad car accident.

Educator Goes to Milpitas
A beautiful, blonde educator gets on an airplane and sits down in first class.

Equal Employment Opportunity
Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual.

Error Dialog Haiku
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? Solon Magazine

Excellent Advice I've Learned From Watching Scary Movies
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

Fire at the Semiconductor Plant
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight.

Fishermen Catch A Mermaid
Three Homeschool Dads go fishing, catch a mermaid and demand their IQ's be increased.

Forgetful Poem
My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but, To me, that is no joke.

Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

God is Missing. We're in Trouble!
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.

Greatest Baseball Player in the World
A homeschooling boy was overheard talking to himself, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat.

Hacker Barbie®
MATTEL announces the latest in their new line of Barbie® products.

Hardwired Peanut Butter Balls
I have read many books about boys, how to help them become promising young men, how not to damage them unduly, how to prevent them from creating a homemade atomic weapon and blowing up the neighborhood, etc.

High Tech Church Built in Milpitas
"A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.

Hills Meet Their Fate In Milpitas
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Silicon Valley, California; as it happens, in Milpitas.

The History of Math Word Problems
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Home, Home All the Day
Home, Home all the day, where the children study and play,
Where seldom is heard, the hurry up word, and the van's in the carport all day!

Homeschooling Boys
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

Homeschooling Maxims
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President
The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.

Homework Policy
Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?
One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed, ...

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

How Milpitas Homeschoolers Do It
Finding Good Deals in Milpitas: Coke 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

How to Pronounce This Place
MIL-pit-as; Mil-pit-ASS; Mil-PEET-us?

How We Know Santa's Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

You've got to code it in H T M L. (To the tune of "YMCA.")

Important Things I've Learned from Homeschooling Kids
It's more fun to color outside the lines.

In Memory of Those Who Died in the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Installing Love
Steps to becoming a loving person described in terms of installing a computer program on a PC.

Interactive Taxes Software
Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.

Kids Talk About God & Their Mother
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

Kurt Vonnegut's Commencement Address At MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97: Wear sunscreen.

The Last Page of the Internet
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.

Laughing in the Dark
Unlike the rest of the country, our people are bright and our lights are dim.

Letter From Homeschooling Scout
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.

Life As A Homeschooler
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into Milpitas where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

Litter Problem Solved
A few years ago, the City of Milpitas had a litter problem.

Lou Costello Buys A Computer
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this.

Mans Prays to Swap Life With His Wife
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed.

Martha vs Homeschool Mom's Way
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

McCain's Acceptance Speech Blooper
"We believe everyone has something to contribute and deserves the opportunity to reach their God-given potential from the boy whose descendants arrived on the Mayflower to the Latina daughter of migrant workers.

Milk With A Little Coffee In It
Customer: I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.

Milpitan Vacations In Rome
A Milpitan walked in to The Park Victoria Barber Shop for his regular haircut.

Milpitas Cowboy's Guide to Life
Don't squat with your spurs on.

Mom Song
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.

The Mommy Test
How do mommys know all those things?

Mother: Do You Know What One Is?
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

Mother's Dictionary
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, as quiet as a mouse, who does the mischief that is done in everybody's house!

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

Next "Survivor" Show
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.

New Driver
Family goes for first ride with newly licensed teen.

New Father's Emotions
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.

New Vocabulary Words
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum
Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long.

Noah Tries To Build Ark in Milpitas
Noah: "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a Milpitas City building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code.

Official Market Forecast
Sales and income figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off.

Old Dog Comes By For A Nap
One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died
... so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one.

On the Revelation of William Bennett's Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
'Be moral. Just resist temptation.'

Only A Homeschool Mother ...
Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k."

Original Trojan Horse Warning
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit.

The Origin Of The Internet
And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

Outsourcing of Jobs Reaches the President
Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of June 30th, the end of this fiscal year.

Painting the Porch
"How would you like to paint the porch?"

Parent-Teacher Conference
What do you call it when a homeschooling mom talks to herself?

Philosophy of Life
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

Pie Throwing Trend in Milpitas
"... java virtual machine ..." - WHAM - call the dry cleaners.

Planning the Company Holiday Party
I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.

Pledge of Allegiance
A child's version of the Pledge, and a link to a site about safety around fireworks.

Prosecutor's First Witness
A Milpitas prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand in a trial.

Proverbs: Homeschooling Kids' Versions
Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.

Public Schools - A Definition
A place of detention for children placed in the care of teachers...
who are afraid of the principal,...

Puttin' On The Hitz
Have you seen the well to do? Up and down Calaveras Avenue?

Recipe For Doing the Family Wash
Written in its original spelling for a bride a few generations ago.

Real Homeschool Mothers
Real Homeschool Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

A Round Tuit
Are you always saying you'll get around to it? Well, here's a *round tuit* for you.

Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

Science Explained By Children
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.

Short History of Medicine
I have an earache: 2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

Signs Around Milpitas
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Signs You've Had Too Much Java
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The '90s
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

Silly Quotations: Samuel Goldwyn
"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

Siren Sounds
Shoe thief tries to exchange the uncomfortable shoes at Mervyns, and more incredible crimes.

Taking a Load of Penguins to the Zoo
Penguins get a lift to the zoo. (Links about penguins and places to see them.)

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection is a Little Slow
Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.
Graphics arrive via FedEx.

The Test
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test.

There Are No Fish Under The Ice!
A blonde woman notices the popularity of ice fishing in Milpitas, and decides to try it for herself.

This Sound Like Your City Council?
"When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, ..."

Thoughts for the Day
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Top 15 Signs That Microsoft Owns Part of Apple
Milpitas residents have stopped using Apple stock certificates as toilet paper.

Top 20 Advantages to Homeschooling
If you can't find matching socks for your child first thing in the morning, who cares?

Top 21 Signs That You Work in Milpitas
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Training Courses Now Available For Men
Introduction to Common Household Objects I:
The Mop.

Two women meet at a playground
Two women meet at a playground, where their children are swinging and playing ball. The women are sitting on a bench watching. Eventually, they begin to talk.

US Standard Railroad Gauge
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That's an exceedingly odd number.

Value of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam.

Warnings & Instructions
On a package of bread-pudding mix: Product will be hot after heating.

Warranty Card on Purchased Government Official [tm]
Dear Special Interest, Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official [tm].

Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters in Milpitas
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.

Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy although my boss let me go ­ Happily addicted to the Web.

Were you a kid in the Fifties or so?
Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something's shudder and say "Eeeew!" But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself.

What About Socialization?
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I was mentally planning her week of Girl Scouts, 4-H, dance class, karate, and soccer. What were you saying about socialization?

What Does The Frog Say?
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

What?! No School Today?
What?! Where did you guys come from?! I thought I told you to stay at school! I'm sorry. This happens all the time. (sigh)

What You Can Learn From Your Dog
Run, romp, and play daily.

When Riding a Dead Horse
When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: "Where do pets come from?"

Why Problems At Airports
You know why there are so many problems and delays at airports these days, right?

You Know You Live in Milpitas When...
You make $120,000 a year, but can't find a place to live.

You Know You're A Homeschool Mom When...
You get to change more than diapers, you get to change their minds.

You Know You're Living In The Year 2003 When....
Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You know you're living in 2004 when...
You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

© 1999 ­ 2004 Ann Zeise. All Rights Reserved.